30 Day Writing Challenge: Part 14

Hola,

Another day, another blog. Let’s do this.

 

As always if you’d like to write along you can so here: http://30daychallengearchive.tumblr.com/post/832610035/writing-prompt-30-day-challenge

Day 14 —Elvis still gets 100 Valentines each year.  Tell about one of the people who sent one.

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The lady rolled out of bed pushing aside her, Disney’s “Stitch” doll at the crack of dawn. Today was the day. Her favorite day. It was the day she let the love of her life know how important he is to her. It was Valentine’s day!

She kissed her, “Stitch” doll as she whispered, “Ohana” as she proceeded to start her day. Presley (Her birth name was Leslie, but she legally changed it) was in her late 40’s, single, slightly overweight, and absurdly lonely, but today was the day. She just bought a book from, “Ebay” claiming to be the Necronomicon. This would surely have a spell to bring back her obsession. Today, on the day of love, she was going to resurrect the ghost of Elvis Presley.

Presley had been prepping for weeks gathering ingredients and cramming them into a box. She worked extensively and had to blow through most of her money that was backed into her 401K to make it happen, but, alas she was about to bring back her one true love.

Presley (Leslie) grew up in a rough home. Her father used to beat her mother within the confines of the double-wide they lived in on the outskirts of Memphis. If she were to ever say anything to her father he would potentially lash out on her as well. She was troubled and lived constantly in fear. However, she had her Elvis records. There was something about hearing the vinyl scratch against the needle as the beautiful melodies from Love Letters from Elvis sang out triumphantly from her record player that soothed her. It made the horror of the nuclear family erase. She would dream of being whisked away by Elvis as she’d pretend she was Peggy Van Alden failing madly in love with Elvis. This was her peace. This was heart. Elvis was her savior.

As the Necronomicon indicated to resurrect a loved one it needed to happen on the day of the Diety of Cupid, a là, Valentine’s Day. It needed a period of time when society was more entrenched with love, as it takes strong love to will someone back to life. She carefully packaged her potion into a box, and the spell needed this very potion to be on the grounds that were most familiar to the departed. So, she same day delivered the box to the Mecca of the King in Graceland. Now came the waiting, as tears strewn down her face when she handed the box off to the courier.

…..

The head of the Graceland Estate opened a box stating, “From Presley with love! I’ll see you soon my King” across the top. “Oh boy! Another Valentine’s Day thing” exclaimed the exhausted CEO, “We get hundreds of these a day” He opened and was immediately taken a back as an aroma struck him hard in the face. “Jesus Christ. This lady shit in this box” He was right. The box was unraveled to have gold flakes covered in human feces. “Some of these fans are psychopaths.”

FIN
Cheers!

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30 Day Writing Challenge: Part ʻUmikumākolu- Write about a random picture you would find in an envelope of finished prints at Costco.

Hey Hey,

There’s a blog that needs written. Let’s do this ish. Plus, I need to leave for work in like 30 minutes. So, let’s fart out another one.

Day 13 – Write about a random picture you would find in an envelope of finished prints at Costco.

Photo on 5-16-17 at 9.24 AM #2

This is an interesting one, because I didn’t even know CostCo processed photos, plus I’ve only been in like one CostCo. See I feel like CostCo is like a slightly classier Wal-Mart, so I’m operating under that pretense. In Wal-Mart, if you found an envelope of pictures that were processed there, it could be all sorts of weird things. Most likely it would probably be a photo of a like weird cockfight going on in a trailer somewhere in deep south Tennessee. The chicken’s would be wearing lucha masks and in the background would be a man in a wife beater drinking a Budweiser backhanding his wife for softly asserting this is, “Illegal” while a ring of 6 dudes in trucker hats cheer on the impeding chicken fight. Presumably, the winner keeps the losing chicken to process into chicken nuggets. Therefore, with my slightly classier logic, if you found that photo at a CostCo, it would probably be the same idea, just a dog fight. It would probably just be a photo of Micheal Vick’s house, replace the chicken’s with dogs, replace the wife beater guy with Ray Rice, and replace the winner with him somehow keeping an NFL contract over chicken nuggets. That would be the photo. I’m guessing. Keep it classy America by keeping shitty human’s rich.

 

Cheers!

30 Day Writing Challenge: Part Doce

Hey hey,

It’s my day off, which sadly, today’s isn’t really much of writing prompt with substance. So, I now actually have time to write a thing, but not much of a prompt to work with. Get ready to waste 30 seconds of your life on this one.

As always if you wanna give this a go you can here: http://30daychallengearchive.tumblr.com/post/832610035/writing-prompt-30-day-challenge

Day 12 —What is your favorite day of the week?

Photo on 5-15-17 at 4.31 PM

Any day that I’m not working? I don’t have like a steady day off or really line of work. So, it’s a moving day. Usually it gives me time to do this blog dealie or spend time with my partner. I know it’s nice exciting and I can’t really come up with like a clever spin on it… I guess if I have to stretch and really pick a day I’d go with Wednesday? Because it’s considered, “Hump Day” and I have the maturity of a Middle School kid. Snicker snicker #Deep

Cheers!

30 Day Writing Challenge: Part Déag

Hey hey,

I’m playing hooky somewhat from work today. I woke up and spent most of my morning dying in the bathroom. So, I guess that’s not hooky. That’s more gross and probably not something you want a dude making your pizza to be doing. Dying in the bathroom then flipping your dough. Thus, I’m stuck in bed. Admittedly, I think I’ve shit up everything in my body so I’m just kinda awkwardly laying here in bed while my stomach makes weird Chewbaca noises at me.  So, why not ignore the wookie noises by writing…

As always if you’d like to join along you can with this link: http://30daychallengearchive.tumblr.com/post/832610035/writing-prompt-30-day-challenge

Day 11 —What was your first childhood pet?  Describe it in detail.

Photo on 5-14-17 at 2.39 PM

So, this one is weird, because I remember vaguely my first childhood pet as being a “Lassie” knock-off. As in he was the same breed, but I was so young I just don’t remember anything about him. I’m pretty sure he ran away when I was like 4 or 5. He was probably saving Timmy from falling into a well or was just like, “Fuck this weird fat baby. Imma find me some bitches” and just kind of left. He left a small child like a runaway dad, except when he says, “bitches” it’s not degrading and is the proper term for a female dog. So, I guess that gives him slightly less street-cred now. The first animal/”pet” I kinda had, or at least have a full memory of was a cat named, Meiko. I found Meiko on the side of the road nearly dying. I remember taking her in my arms as she gently mewed. We got her home and placed her under a big evergreen tree we had in our back yard. I spent most of the afternoon with her trying to revive her and keep her alive. I fed her. I gave her water. I gave her a nice cage with a bed. Alas, to no avail she passed on the next day. So, my first chance at taking care of a thing went rather depressingly. The best part is we went on a vacation the next day, and I specifically remember my Dad comforting me and telling me we would give her a proper burial when we got back. A week later, I returned and somehow hoped in my child-like naivety that the warm summer sun would somehow revive her and I could maybe have my sweet cat back! Instead I found out that cat’s can actually melt. This cat was straight-up Puss-In-Boots stew and melted to the floor. All that was left was some fur stuck to the cage. My first pet resulted in my father making loud dry heaves as he had to hose down melted feline. I haven’t had the best of luck around pets. Let’s hope Sarah McGlachlin doesn’t stumbled across this blog. Her and the SPCA may put like a hit out on me or something. Sorry Meiko =(

 

Cheers!

30 Day Writing Challenge: Part 10

Hey hey,

This working thing and being an adult is cramping my style when it comes to writing things and what not. Yay contributing to society! I knocked out another day at a fancy schmantzy pizza place, onward to this challenge deal-o.

As always if you wanna give this a go you can here: http://30daychallengearchive.tumblr.com/post/832610035/writing-prompt-30-day-challenge

Day 10 —What do you want to be remembered for?

Photo on 5-13-17 at 4.32 PM

This is such a deep one, which requires me to think about myself and uhhggggg…. These have all been my shortest post because writing about myself isn’t nearly as fun or interesting.

So, I’m not sure. Maybe I want to be known as the guy with the most beautiful set of chest pubes. Just the thickest, most 80’s chest hair. And the guy who brings back the Tom Selleck mustache style. That sounds good.

Or, if I’m being serious. It would be to one day write a story or create something that has some sort of positive effect on someone. Right now my writing, from a technical standpoint is a bit weak, but I’d love to keep churnning out things and eventually have something published and have a tangible thing someone can read. Even if it’s just like some middle aged lonely housewife who stumbled across it at like Goodwill or something. That would be cool. I wanna be remembered as a guy who created writings that would make you smile.

 

Whom also has a sweet set of chest pubes.

 

Cheers!

30 Day Writing Challenge: Part Nine

Hey Hey,

Today’s is gonna be extra boring, mainly because my window to actually write it is non-existent. I’m going fully on busy mode today. Which isn’t a massive deal because I skimmed ahead and looked at this writing prompt and there’s only so much you can write about with this. Especially, when I have that goldfish memory.

As always if you wanna join along you can so here: http://30daychallengearchive.tumblr.com/post/832610035/writing-prompt-30-day-challenge

Day 9 —What was your favorite childhood toy?

Photo on 5-12-17 at 7.36 AM

I wish a had something cool like a child sized ninja sword, and that I spent my childhood being trained on how to be like a badass ninja assassin but, alas, I do not. I’m kinda struggling remember any specific toy. Maybe the Nintendo 64? I specifically remember my neighbor coming over and my brother and I sitting in front of a tiny screen playing Mario Kart and Goldeneye endlessly. The answer is yes, I did play as Oddjob. I had no soul as a kid. I’ll make that jerks aim down awkwardly just to shoot midget me in that game. I remember those times quite fondly. It was either N64 or derping and exploring around outside for me during my childhood. Again, I wish I had something cooler but I was a pretty lame kid. Well, now I need to go prepare and put on clothes and be an adult today, but hey! I farted out another blog!

Cheers

30 Day Challenge: Part Ate

Hey hey,

It’s another day. I get to spend it throwing dough in a fire oven here in a few hours so I thought I would knock another blog out before I go adulting for a paycheck… Adulting sounds like I’m gonna do some shady sex stuff. It’s not that. I’m gonna make some gourmet woodfire pizza. They’re so good they’ll make you orgasm, so maybe there’s not much of a difference. I’ll type this up then go pizza prostitute for money.

As always you can type along and fart out blogs with me at this link: http://30daychallengearchive.tumblr.com/post/832610035/writing-prompt-30-day-challenge

Day 8 —Tell your life story from someone else’s point of view.

Photo on 5-11-17 at 9.19 AM

“Oh God! He’s at another Chinese Buffet overeating again. Look at him. The fat fuck is starting to sweat. Oh wait … Is he laying down in the booth? Yes, yes he is. He’s asleep. I hate that Nat Geo made us low-key follow this dude around. All he does is eat and nap in various locations” Exclaimed the clearly depressed reporter for National Geographic.

 

Cheers!

30 Day Writing Challenge: Part 6 + 1

Hey hey,

It’s another day and I just spent it flinging dough at a gourmet pizza place. Not exactly were a saw myself being at 27 years of age, but it’s a job. I’m currently over in this country on a temporary visa, meshed with a resumè that’s rather quirky makes me kind of a hard candidate to hire for a lot of companies. Stay in school kiddies, and get that degree. It makes job hunting a lot less miserable. That being said if your persistent you can make shit happen. That’s what I’m trying to do. Life is a weird thing and whilst I’m far from wealthy I’m hopeful I’ll make a rad biography. Benjamin Franklin said it best, “Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.” If play my cards right I can do both.

As always if you wanna give this deal a go you can here: http://30daychallengearchive.tumblr.com/post/832610035/writing-prompt-30-day-challenge

Day 7 —What sets you apart from the crowd?

Photo on 5-10-17 at 4.33 PM

I always hate these questions of more or less, “Why are you special?” The reality is I’m not. There’s like 7 billion something people on the floating rock out in space. There’s thousands of people who are probably just like me. So, I suppose if it was a crowd of optimist, I would poke out as the Grumpy Cat faced pessimist. If I were being kind to myself though, I seemingly have an inane ability to make people happy. I’m quirky and usually encourage people to joke and have fun. When the mood strikes me right, I’d like to think I have a decent humor.  Though judging from this paragraph I can seem like a turd in a punch bowl. Perhaps I can a bit more self aware/self deprecating than most. Which is a bit of Yin-Yang. It can make you both socially well adjusted with a dash of depression. Though I’d rather be that way. Overconfidence just feels disgusting to me, unless your the Fonz. That’s the only person who was allowed to be that way. I’d rather be a soup of humor, depression, and introspection than being a failed attempt at the Fonz. Ayyyyyyyyy

 

Check in tomorrow for more sad writings or weirdness!

 

Cheers!

 

30 Day Writing Challenge: Part Enquë

Hey,

Another day another blog. We have made it 6 days! Wooooo … Sadly, today is my last solo day of not working and thus I must enter adulthood and start my new gig tomorrow. I guess not sadly, because making money is pretty rad, but so is derping around. Point is today is my last blow off day. Then adulting will be a thing. So, anyhow…. Let’s do this ish.

As always if you’d like to give this a go you can here: http://30daychallengearchive.tumblr.com/post/832610035/writing-prompt-30-day-challenge

Day 6 —Write about a person who would buy all of those items in Day 5.

Photo on 5-9-17 at 9.46 AM #2.jpg

Just to review, the items I picked from the previous day were Baboons and Booze. The answer to this one should be obvious. It’s Nicholas Cage of course. I’m glad I didn’t pick, “Bee’s” now, as my B word aisle choice. “BEES! NOT THE BEES!”

That is one show that needs to get made! Let’s just strap a Go-Pro on Nicholas cage and just let him loose in a room of Baboons and Booze. That would be art. Just Nicholas Cage getting drunk and him confusing the Baboons for women, as he slides on a bear outfit and punches the shit out of them

That’s PPV quality entertainment. Let’s get Dana White on this and promote a drunk Nicholas Cage in a bear suit vs a room of lady Baboons. All of the before mentioned Go-Pro footage can be thrown on YouTube as prematch hype. If someone with photoshop skills can make a poster for this I would be forever in your debt.

Cheers!

30 Day Writing Challenge: Part Fünf

Hey hey,

I survived yet another day of writing tasks. Booya. Though today has been somewhat busy. I just snagged a job! Yay! I’m contributing to society! Kinda… By making pizza and slinging booze at people. So, I’m fattening society up and making them cope with depression in the worst way via alcoholism and stress eating! The point is I was busy today so I need to crank this one out.

As alway if you wanna join along the writing prompts are right here: http://30daychallengearchive.tumblr.com/post/832610035/writing-prompt-30-day-challenge

Day 5 —Pick a letter of the alphabet.  Now imagine two aisles of your local supermarket.  List everything found in those two aisles that begin with that letter of the alphabet.

Photo on 5-8-17 at 3.49 PM

Sweet! This is an easy one to fart a blog out on. I’ll pick, “B” since it’s the first letter of my name, and I’m too lazy to think any harder than that.
Aisle one is an obvious one, it’s Booze! All of it! Beer to Rum to Absinthe

Right across from it in Aisle two is a no-brainer, Mother Eff’n Baboons. What’s better than drunk monkeys? I’ll wait. Go ahead. Think of something. The answer is nothing. Drunk monkeys are funny. If you a drunk monkey smoking a guitar, that’s perfection.

I’ll leave you with this.

That’s right. The BBC spent that sweet sweet government money to hire a camera guy to film monkey’s steal booze from lazy beach goers. We live in a weird world. Also, that guy has the best job ever. He gets to kick it on the beach with monkey’s and cocktails.

Cheers!