How to empower your partner by letting her know she’s strong, fierce, and…

In a society that’s fighting for equality, we are finding that Feminism is on the forefront of our social sphere. We are finding women striving to be equal if not greater than their male counterparts, and as men I feel like we have a role to play in this.


The best way is to find your female partners, friends, or just women passing by and let them know they are special. You need to make sure you tell them they are, “Strong and fierce” but, also, feed them copious amounts of steroids. Because words are for the weak. Why tell them they are strong when you can feed them buses for extra protein and load them up with drugs to make them She Hulks, with facial hair, because that’s a side effect of steroids. Clickbait titles are pretty stupid aye?



The Untold Depressing Sequel to Disney’s Hercules

I FAILED!! *Weeeeeeeps*

My attempt at the 30 Day Writing Challenge capped off at 22 sadly. I ended up having a few unfortunate days involving losing my passport and a bit of the fetal position and some overeating. Point is I was distracted and absolutely forgot to write a thing. Which was a weird relief, because I found writing is more enjoyable when I want to do it and not when I’m forced. I guess I’m too weak for the challenge, but I do still want to make an effort to write more. I just want to write stuff I’m interested in. Like….


Why there was no sequel to Disney’s Hercules?




While I guess they technically did make another movie in Hercules: Zero To Hero it was a prequel, straight to video, and looks like it was written on the back of toilet paper during a long shit from a Disney Exec wanting a quick cash grab. So, I’m here to ponder what an actual sequel would look like.

So, let’s recap the ending of Hercules. In the 3rd Act of the flick, it finds Hades tricking Hercules into giving up his God strength for 24 hours in order to set Meg free, in the process it’s promised Meg wouldn’t get hurt. In this he learns that Meg was actually double crossing him to be released from her debt from Hades. However, Meg didn’t account for actually falling in “love” with Hercules. Still during all of this Hercules is mega pussy whipped, and when it’s revealed that Meg is dying (From being crushed by a pillar while saving Hercules) Herc jumps into gear and dives into the Underworld and saves Meg, in the process proving to be a true hero. Then Yadda Yadda Herc and the Gods defeat Hades and the Titans and Herc is granted the ability to become an immortal and live on Olympus with the Gods! He denies the opportunity in order to stay on Earth as a mortal with Meg, then The End. Fin. We are to assume Meg and Herc lived happily ever after.

Now I’m aware that was a rushed synopsis, but hey, it’s a 20 year old movie that anyone born before year 2000 has probably seen a million times. It’s a Disney classic. Shame on you if you haven’t watched it yet. Anyhow, I was curious though as to what happens next?

Let’s think about it. Hades was thrown into the lake of the dead, so he is probably obsolete for a bit. He can’t really die, in that he’s a God, but he will have to fight his way out of a pool of endless souls dragging him down. Which is bleak as fuck for a Disney movie, but whatever. So, now we have to address how are things with Meg and Hercules. Well, it’s kinda hard to tell how they would work as a couple being that they barely met in the movie. They had one actual date and that was enough for Herc to go, “Yup! I’m sold” at the age of 18. Because, you know, 18 year olds always make the best decisions on the dating front being that they’re 18. You know since they are so old and wise *cough cough* And, of course, who wouldn’t fall in love with the adrenaline of saving the world on the line. Of course, young buff Hercules will seem awesome to Meg, especially since he does whatever she wants. She’s already proven she’s manipulative, that’s a character trait she probably won’t grow from.

So, this movie starts off with Hercules and his 5 O’ Clock shadow drowning his sorrows in wine at some bar with Phil. He goes there frequently now as work is scarce, being that Hades is gone. He’s now packed on some weight, since he doesn’t have work or God strength any more he’s really let himself go. Every time he comes home Meg is at ends with him. They fight constantly, and now that he’s lost she’s kind of lost interest in him. While he goes out drinking every night, she goes out and works the street corner of Thebes. They need money to afford rent and her being woman in that era, she’s limited to work. So, now we have a broken marriage and a depressed Hercules all being introduced in the first Act. This all sets up for a fight between Hercules and Meg.

During this fight Hercules reveals he’s madly depressed that he gave up his immortality for her and he’s lost without being God. He says this all in a fit of rage in which sassy Meg belts out, “You were a real man when you were a God. Now look at you. You’re a fat washed up slob!” as she slams the bead curtain leading in there Greek loft and storms out. This sobers Hercules up. While they didn’t get along anymore, that was his wife. He gave Olympus for her. He needed to get her back. As it turns out Meg knew how to get her God back and with that the power that came along with him. She snuck off to the Underworld again. She knew this argument would force Hercules back to the arms of Hades. This all kind of stretched out and set up in the 2nd Act.

So, at this point we have the 1st Act setting up the broken marriage and depression between Hercules and Meg. The 2nd Act playing out with Meg wanting her strong God back and her secretly working with Hades. Then in this 3rd Act Hercules goes to the Underworld to find a broken Hades. Hades reveals that he can restore Hercules former God-like power, but only if he does his bidding. He explains he usually can’t turn mortals to God’s, but since he has the blood of Zeus still in him he can do it, but only if he makes that deal with him. Hercules agrees to it. Immortality is restored with chubby balding Hercules, as is his broken marriage, kind of. Hercules knew Meg was way out of his league and he would do anything to keep her, it’s that Hercules naivety he’s had since he was young. It’s then revealed that Meg’s part of the deal was that she can live forever too, but only if she stays married to Hercules. So, now we have a broken God in Hercules, Meg living forever and having immortality as long as she’s with him (She’s addicted to that power so it’s fine with her. Even if she’s not really in love with him anymore), and them both being minions of Hades. As the movie comes to it’s end Hades closes out with this line, “Now isn’t the time, but the planets will align again and I need things to be set. We can rise the Titans again in year 2017, but only during chaos can the Titans rise. You… You Herc will be my Trump card!” Then roll the credits.



30 Day Writing Challenge: Part 22

Hey hey hey hey,

I have a small window to get this guy done, which is a bummer because I’m gonna have to greatly condense this one.

As always if you wanna give this a try you can here:

Day 22 —You wake up with a key gripped tightly in your hand.  How did you get this key?  What does it lock or unlock?


The man wakes up in a dark room with a key indenting the palm of his hands. He was in haze and unaware of his surroundings. As he stumbles up to his feet a light cascades over a door with a sign on it reading, “A Second Chance.” The man examines his surroundings and notices a light glistening off a window off to the side. This glare from the window pulls him in as he stumbles towards it.

Through the window he could see a woman giving birth as the scene goes dark. He steps back and another window lights up. This window presented a child eating a cake on seemingly his birthday and mimic’ing it’s predecessor it went dark. He proceeded to follow this wall of windows documenting this child’s life. He peered through the windows with a smile on his face watching this happy child grow and get older. He watched him learn to ride a bike. He watched him play catch with his father. Then finally he watched his first kiss with his girlfriend. He watched them smile and grow together as they finally had a child. Then he watched things change.

He peered through the window as the stress of the child caused them to argue. He watched the man crying over bills. He watched as the man’s wife screamed at him and left the house. He watched a broken man alone. He watched through the windows as glass bottles of alcohol became an extension of the man’s mouth. Until he finally watched the man pick up a gun and hold it his head.

He panicked and slammed his fist against the window pleading for the man to not pull the trigger until the scene goes black and he hears the ricochet of a bullet echo through the room. He felt hot blood roll down his cheek and saturate his shirt. He grabbed his head to feel a giant hole with a crimson waterfall rolling over his face.

Tears and blood rolled down his cheek as he looked down at the key.

He looked up at the door and read the sign again.

“A Second Chance”

He placed the key in the door and opened it as he was engulfed in a light.

He could see a doctor standing over him and his ex-wife was crying in the corner. He cried out, “I don’t want to die!” No one responded. He tried to get up and just couldn’t move. He looked in his ex-wife’s eyes as a tear rolls down his face. “I miss you!” he yelled. She didn’t respond. He realized his mouth wasn’t opening. The doctor looked at him and through a sadden tone stated, “We are happy you are awake, but things are going to be different now. You may have limited functions and we are projecting full paralysis. We are going to have to keep you on fluids and your family will have to take care of you as all you can do now is look. You lost significant brain function, but we may be able to restore some talking with time. I’m sorry.”


Cheers! (I hate that I had to shorten this, but I just don’t have time today to write this all the way out)



30 Day Writing Challenge: Part 21

Hey hey hey hey,

Another day of me stumbling around New Zealand and another blog that needs to be conjured up, Kazaam-Style. That’s right. I’m Shaq and this blog is about to be a rainfall of Big Macs. Let’s do this.

As alway if you’d like to join along you can so here:

Day 21 —Find a job ad in the paper.  Write about your life if you had that job. ( I picked the first one that popped up)b91f0fdb-6e94-4381-bca8-55b3920178e7.jpg

“Sir, in the email interview process, I was thought you were a bit more aware of what this was” The owner of Aspire Women’s Fitness Center said to me as I walked in with a Crop-top and with my Grinch fat gut hanging over my short shorts. “So, me being a fitness trainer isn’t gonna work out is it?” I stated.



30 Day Writing Challenge: The 20th One

Hey hey hey,

It’s my day off from work. Let’s drop kick another blog outta here.

As always if you wanna join along you can so with this link:

Day 20 —If you could go on only one more vacation in your lifetime, where would you go and why?


Another blog that’s about me, uhggggg …. I’m boring so this isn’t as appealing for me to do this. You’ll see why, because most people wanna do something beach’y I wanna go to Canada … Eh?

Canada has tons of pretty wooded areas to walk through and most importantly they have poutine. I just wanna go, eat a shit load of poutine, catch a hockey game, go to the Lockhart Harry Potter bar in Toronto, and cap it off with a sweet hike in Banff. Maybe befriend a moose? … Eh?

This one is short but sweet



30 Day Writing Challenge: Part 19

Hey hey hey,

Are you ready for another blog that’s all about me? No? Me neither.

As always if you wanna join along you can so right up in hurr:

Day 19 —Write a list of 25 (or just 5!) things you want to do in your life.


This one I’ll have to pick 5, mainly because 25 is way too many. Really there isn’t like 25 things I’m dying to do anyhow. I’m kinda boring like that, plus, I try to do cool stuff when I can anyhow.

5) Continue traveling more. Moving to New Zealand has kinda given me the bug. I wanna see London, Ireland, The Himalayas, Japan, and maybe Venice.

4) I’ve part of the way accomplished this one, but work a full Pro Wrestling match. I had a chance to do a little bit of training and play around in a wrestling ring (Which was both super painful but yet a lot of fun). But the child in me wants to work a full match before I die. RIP Macho Man ( Ooooooh Yeaaaaaaah)

3) I’ll lump these together, but both surfing and snowboarding are bucket list things for me. Ever since I saw Lilo and Stitch as a tiny human, I’ve wanted to try surfing. Being on an island I’m sure I’ll get the chance (It’s winter now over here sadly and it’s too cold at the moment)

2) Find a career that makes me not wanna shoot myself in the face. I’ve worked a fair amount of jobs and nothing has really been appealing to me. I kind of have that internal mega fear of, “I’m too old to still be finding myself?” I mean I’m only 27 but I have like no clear career trajectory and it terrifies me. I just don’t wanna be one of those people who works like 20 years for a company and is fucking miserable. I wanna live comfortably doing something I enjoy, I just don’t know what that is yet.

1) Write something that can get published or create something that people find enjoyable or entertaining. Wether it be this blog, a comic, a book, or a screenplay, I just have a dream of writing a story that makes it too the public and has some level of success. I know this one is a long shot because about a billion people have the same dream, but it’s something I’ve always wanted.


30 Day Writing Challenge: Part 18

Hey hey,

So, I have to work a long day today and have a small window to write this one. Let’s fart it out.

If you’d like to write along you can so here:

Day 18 —Take a reader behind the wheel with the worst driver you’ve ever known.


The answer is me. Especially now that I’m in a country where everything is opposite from what I’m accustomed too. The road, the wheel, and the blinkers are all different. I can say though, that we have the cleanest windshield in all of New Zealand. Every time I intend to indicate right or left I end up hitting the windshield wipers. Don’t even get me started on trying to figure how the fuck to gauge speed in KM. I’m a MPH guy all the way. Merica number 1.


30 Day Writing Challenge: Part 17

Hey hey,

I survived a full night of working at a bar and I get to do it again tonight! (Dead on the inside.) So, this following prompt should be an easy one to write about.

As always if you wanna force yourself to write everyday for a month you can so here:

Day 17 — Write a short scenario set in the kitchen of a fast-food restaurant.

Fatty fat

They had just finished the dinner rush McLardLand (The finest Fast Food establishment in all of America). Hundreds upon hundreds of people piled in and ordered as many, “Double Lard’y Burgers” as they could, as was a typical night here. They constantly stayed busy which stressed out the staff, but that’s how life went.

Ronald, the kitchen manager, was finally getting to start his closing of the store process and was cleaning the kitchen when it happened. The tranquility of it being only 10 minutes until the restaurant closing was nothing but the calm before the storm. Ronald went to dip his cleaning cloth into his bucket of water’y cleaning soup (or his bucket of hot water and cheap cleaning compounds) as he noticed ripples starting to break the surface of the water. The ground started to tremble as the remaining staff went still. They were utilizing the Jurassic Park method of Customer Service in, “Maybe if we don’t move the Customer won’t see us and just leave.” Alas, they were not successful as the largest man they have ever seen blobbed his way through the front doors.

“Are y’all about too close?” grumbled the heafty behemoth of a man, as he proceeded to sign some sort of waiver that was laid out on the counter. Ronald came out of the back, “We are about to close, but we would be more than happy to take your order” Stated Ronald in a friendly tone, although on the inside he was imagining himself doing a series of Jackie Chan style Kung Fu moves on his face. “Good you’re open. Can I have 8 McLard Burgers, 4 supersized fries, a crate of McNuggz deep fried pink sludge, and a barrel of Sugar Pop Soda?” Vomited out the unenthused plump man. Ronald felt his heart stop. The kitchen was already almost clean and this was a massive order, but the customer is always right, so, he took the order. The large man paid and sat down on two seats at a table in the store, because naturally he wanted to dine in as opposed to taking the food as takeaway.

Ronald went to the kitchen and started slaving away on the food whilst fantasizing about cramming the lard down the gentleman’s throat and causing his heart to explode, though in someway he kind of was doing that as he layered the lard on buns. Time elapsed as 5 minutes bled into 10 and the man became impatient. “Hey Mr …” then he proceed to squint at Ronald’s nametag and in an unimpressed voice continue, “Ron,er, Ronnie. Why ain’t my food done?” “I apologize, sir, it was a rather large order but I’m alm” the man interjected before Ronald could finish, “Oh excuses excuses! I want my meal free since I had to wait so long” “Well, I won’t be able to do that, as our policy does allow us time to prepare the food” Kindly retorted Ronald. Just then the man’s giant bulbous face morphed red and he looked like a giant tomato on steroids. “HOW DARE YOU!?! BLAFEGZDR!” The blob then grabbed his chest and stumbled around as he plummeted to the ground, causing magnitude level 8 earthquakes in China from the thud.

Ronald exhaled a sigh of relief, as he looked down at that very moment and noticed that the man had signed the waiver that was laid out upon the counter. The waiver made the company not responsible in times of a heart attack. “Oh Thank God! I didn’t want to deal with that fat fuck.” He exclaimed to himself as he picked up the phone and dialed 9-1-1. “Yeah, Hey, It’s Ronald again. Yup. Yup. We got another one. He just dropped before he even got the food this time haha. Can you send a truck out to get him? Great! Thanks” Then he hung up the phone with the dispatch officer and proceed to finishing his nightly duties.


30 Day Writing Challenge: Part 16

Hey hey,

*In the voice from The Thing from Fantastic Four* IT’S BLOGGING TIME!!!

Author’s note: I acknowledge that being super lame

As always if you wanna give this challenge a try you can right here:

Day 16 —If we assume ghosts are real, what type of ghost would you like to see?


This is a quirky one because on one hand I think it would be cool to like kick it with the ghost of Kurt Vonnegut and learn how to write like a boss, or to like take shots with the ghost of Abe Lincoln. I mean booze shots and not, well, you know. However, realistically I would go full on Ghostbusters and just ride around on the back of the Stay Puft Marshmallow man.

Any other answer would just be wrong. Who would mess with you? You’re a giant marshmallow death machine. You could do awesome things, like fight Godzilla or King Kong. Which, Hollywood, if for some stupid reason you stumble across this blog because you’re maybe drunk and wanting sushi so you type in, “Beer and Sushi” on the address line and stumble across this, please call me. I will write the shit out of that movie, “Godzilla vs King Kong vs Stay Puft Marshmallow Man” You can thank me later for the millions you’ll make off this idea =p


30 Day Writing Challenge: Part halfway to 30

Hey hey,

Ain’t nobody got time for an introduction. Let’s do this

If you’d wanna join along you can so here at:

Day 15 — Create a character who is falsely accused of a crime.


The quirky balding elderly man just came home from his long day of bird watching out in the park, or more so bird squinting. This older gentlemen was very much so nearsighted and had a difficult time seeing in general. He was also very stubborn and refused to wear glasses.
He opened the door and immediately slipped on some red fluid on the ground, “Ooooh I must’ve stepped in a puddle” exclaimed the old man as he caught himself from completely collapsing on the floor. He proceeded to track the red substance, that he was really unable to see, all across his carpet. Upon arriving to the kitchen he continued to slide around on his tile floor. “I don’t know what is on my shoes” he stated as he bent over to just take off his shoes. In the process of removing his shoes he smeared the red fluid all over his hand, however, due to his poor eyesight he seemed to not really notice and proceeded with his current endeavor.

He was very hungry as eating had eluded him all day. Bird squinting is very cumbersome and consuming and, in a blurry haze, he forgot to eat. He continued in the kitchen to grab all of the required ingredients for an easy to make sandwich. His intent was to make a PB & J, however, being stubborn and nearly blind caused him to instead grab a jar of mayo, ketchup, and his previously worn red covered loafers (Which were bread-like soft). He then spread the mayo and ketchup upon the bottoms of his shoes mistaking it for bread. In the process of spreading he ending up getting the red fluid that was on his hand all over the hilt of the knife that was being used to spread the, “Peanut butter and Jelly” or so he thought.

He then took a big bite out of his food concoction, “Oh Gosh! What is this?!?” he yelled as he started spitting part of his shoe on the floor. The massive bite caused the red on the shoe, mixed with the ketchup to go all over his face. JUST THEN…. Police kicked in his door!

“We had reports of screaming going on from this place about 20 minutes ago and no one was answering the door!” Loudly exclaimed the officer. “Oh God! That’s him! That’s the child that’s been missing!” Commented the officer as it’s revealed there’s a body laying right on the floor in front of the door way. He followed the trailer of red foot prints to the kitchen to find the elderly gentlemen with a knife in hand and blood on his face. “Get down you sick fuck! Oh God! Were you eating the child?!?”

“What is going on? I just just got home and who are…” were the last words the old man said as the cop tackled him to the ground and pinned his hands behind his back. In the process of handcuffing him the cop pulled the wallet out of the old man’s back pocket to identify him. He scanned the ID and looked down.

“You have the right to remain silent, Mr. Magoo”